My Worst Xmas Dinner...Ever

Around fifteen years ago I was in my first job and heading out on a Christmas night out. I was young and intending to get as pissed as possible. I did.

We went to a restaurant on the south side of Glasgow. A very nice Italian place. It was quite plush inside and even had a seven foot stone statue of some greek God.

As the night wore on me and my pal got more and more drunk. To the point I was visiting the toilet every fifteen minutes as the pints were going right through me. Each time I had to ask three women to move which wasn't impressing them at all.

More and more drunk I got, to the point where I started to feel a little bit sickly. One of the women spotted this and said to get into the toilets as quick as possible. I did. I fucking ran. Thank Christ because I just got in and started throwing up in the sink. I couldn't even make it to the toilets.

I started chucking up my dinner, bloody loads of it. All orange, I remember that. I was running the taps to rinse it away, but in my pissed state I didn't realise that it wasn't running away as I was swirling the water around the basin. I noticed when it started swishing over the edge onto the floor.

I rolled up my sleeve and jammed my arm into the watery vomit and tried to loosen the chunks around the plug but it just wouldn't drain away. It was even worse as some old man came in to the toilet and saw me swaying around, steaming, with my arm in a basin of puke. Then my boss came in, the fifty year old company director. He didn't seem too happy, but left me well alone.

After several minutes it eventually drained away, and I rinsed my arm and washed it as best I could to remove the stink of puke and staggered back out into the restauarant. I was very pissed and almost fell over something. I was aware of several people crouched down on the floor, but I just got past them, stepping over something and back to my table, hoping I wouldn't fall over.

I needn't have worried about embarrassing myself any further. My colleague who was quite pissed as well had been on his way to the toilet, past the seven foot statue and grasped it around the waist and the outstretched hand as if he was dancing with it and managed to pull it over onto the floor.

I found out later it weighed 3/4 of a ton and he had managed to knock the whole thing over which snapped the remaining arm off. It was the fallen statue I stepped over when I came out the toilets.

The restaurant sued my employer and as an insurance broker that was fun having to submit that one to our own insurance company.



The only other amusing Christmas office lunch story I have is when I went to two. It was 1994 and I was leaving my first job in the November. I'd committed to the first one then got invited to the second at my new job. I said Yes immediately then later realised they were on the same day. No matter I thought, one was a lunch at about 3pm and one was a dinner around 6pm. Good times.

I didn't want to let anyone down from my old office and wanted to be part of the new office crowd, so I went to both. I thought 'it can't be that difficult. Two meals, hours apart. I won't eat that much.'

It wasn't the eating that scuppered me. At the lunch I was saying goodbye to my pals for the last 4 years, and I'd been out for Christmas lunches with them before and it was a beerfest. I drank and I drank.

When I got to the meal later with my new colleagues, my wife had been invited to that one and she waiting for me. Thank God, cos she kept me right. It was going quite well....I thought. I was feeling a bit stuffed with all the food and the drinks kept coming.

The turning point though was when I turned to my wife and said;

"When are we having the main course then?"

"You've just had it."

I was very confused.

I was also pished out my tits, and at that point I knew it. I was thinking 'Oh Christ, I'm with my new colleagues, I'm absolutely steamin', I'm going to look like a fanny.'

No worries, my wife ceased my drinking, much to my displeasure, and got me the hell out of there still looking no' bad.