John My Pal, The Attempted Murderer

When I was at school I'll never forget my first day at secondary school.

I was from one of the better schools in the area. I'm not bumming myself up, that's what the other kids told me. Until then I'd never known the other schools were so shit. Apparently we were the only school that had carpets. "Did you not?" I used to ask confused. Anyway first day in registration, just getting used to the fact you get totally split up from your mates all day, me and another guy practically clinged to each other when we realised we were in registration together. Being quite shy, the both of us, we sat up the back.

Little did we know, the nutters, being workshy and a bit mental sat up the back too. Beside us.

What fun they had that first day, taking the piss out the two "poash boys". How amusing it was for them that we wore blazers and ties to school.

"Why are ye wearing them?"

"Because we've got to," we said eyeing up their windcheaters and open neck shirts.

"Who says ye've got to."

"Our Mums."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

And so many more.

Strangely, over that first year with sitting beside them for the first ten minutes of every day they began to realise we were not a couple of posh wee wankers from a privileged background and we realised they were not complete psychos...all the time. They were nice once we became their pals.

John and Bob. Twas their names. Or Joan and Boab, to give it the correct phonetics. As it turned out the most quiet and most violent put together.

John had the edge on the two of them as to who was more liable to act like a psycho. Later on I knew his reputation and if I hadn't known him I would never have gone within a hundred metres of him.

One day wee Boab even asked me to put in his earring (left ear). How close were we? I do recall having to stab this little thing through his ear and feeling the skin give as it slipped through which was my very first time. I was an ear virgin. Thanks Boab.

I also recall the time in Religious Education when I was sitting beside John. He mentioned to me something about a hoor.

"A what?" I innocently asked.

"A hoor," says he.

"What's that?" I asked, Well, set a match to the fucking firework why don't you. Just so happened Boab was sitting across the other side of the room. The teacher had the idea of keeping them apart and sitting them with the people of the class least likely to cause trouble. Me.

"Haw Boab!" shouts John.

"Whit?!"

"He disnae know whit a hoor is, ha ha ha."

"WHIT?!"

"He disnae know whit a hoor is,"  he shouted louder.

"Ha ha ha ha."

The volume of their voices was quickly getting the attention of everyone else and also the teacher. I was more embarrassed by the fact he was shouting across the room saying I didn't know something than the fact I didn't know what a hoor was, as I had no clue what he was talking about. He could've just bloody explained to me. So inconsiderate.

It reminds me of the time when I was at the dinner table with my Mum and two older brothers. I was maybe around twelve. The news was on and a brothel was mentioned. In a moment of sheer madness, I turned to my mother and asked what a brothel was. As soon as I'd said it I realised I actually did know what a brothel was. My Mum replied though.....

"It's where loose women hang around and loose men go and......." and she sort of trailed off. Silence across the table. Pass the salt ummm, please.

Anyway, as the years rolled on we got older and me and John never saw much of each other other than passing in the corridor at school.

When I left school it was the time of the "casuals". The neds of the day. They weren't so fond of tracksuits then. It was more kind of jeans, tracky tops or jumpers and definitely...most definitely a scarf wrapped in a certain way around their neck so it appeared to be one single roll around there. Mostly Rangers and Celtic colours. I don't think Burberry was the thing then.

The casuals used to hang about at the village centre at night and it came to a point where you went detours just to avoid the place, or approach it along a long road so you had a good view to see if the door to the chippy was clear.

One incident sticks in my mind though. Walking through the village one Friday night as I thought it was clear but at the last moment I saw a group of casuals and at that point it was too late to turn back because that would just give reason to verbally abuse me or chase me.

Walking closer to them, some of them turned, a few stared menacingly at me, just waiting for me to make eye contact so they could start on me. I heard a couple of comments made towards me, baiting me. Some more, then out of the terror a light......

"Alright, mate?  Leave him alone...he's alright."

I looked up.

"Alright John," I smiled in relief, nodded quickly and kept on my way.

One of times I was very glad of those mornings we sat together in the first scary year of secondary school.

I did hear though a few years later that he was arrested for attempted murder after glassing someone in the face at the local pub. Still, nice bloke though.