Beef Jerky 2

Why does this happen to me?

Today at 5pm I was walking out of my office when I passed a car parked outside a coffee shop at the junction of St Vincent Street and Renfield Street. It was a silver saloon. There was a man sitting in the driver's seat looking around. He was balding and wearing glasses.

As I passed the door I looked in and saw he had a black fleece draped right over his lap.

It was bumping up and down.

Oh yes.....he was. I don't need to say it do I?  Well, just to be clear. He was having a wank in a car parked on a city centre street at rush hour.

I couldn't believe it. I walked on, stopped and looked round, then walked on again. at the next junction my curiosity took over and I decided I had to make sure I had seen what I thought I had. I walked back, past the car and definitely saw it again. I crossed over the road directly in front of him and looked over. He saw me looking. I just walked off. I'd seen enough.

Gentleman's Guide to Giving Birth

A woman was leaving my office to pursue another career a couple of weeks ago. She was a very outgoing person of about 25 years old and well known for her ability to "speak out". Gobby, we called it.
At her leaving presentation we were regaled with stories of her drunkeness and even played on loudspeaker a 10 minute phone call that she'd made to the office when she was away for a day on a karaoke bus. She was pished out her face and singing various songs. We even heard a comment that she made when she couldn't see 'John' on the bus. "Is he back from the toilet yet? He's probably having a wank."
The one comment that will stay with me was when she described how it was to be pregnant as she had been twice and particularly the actual birth. She said it was "like being booted in the hole."  So now we know.

Beef Jerky

I've never told my brother this so I think it may come as a surprise to him. I only just remembered it.

Fifteen years ago, I was helping him paint his new flat on the Gallowgate.

I was standing at a window on the first floor looking out to the road, and a double decker bus passed. The bus was nearly empty on the top deck except for a few people down the front and the man sitting masturbating three seats from the back. Need to read that again?

That's right. He was a fifty year old guy whacking off on a bus.

Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you reading this, the bus stopped right in front of my window. He was beating himself to a steady rhythm, but then I noticed some new passengers "coming" up the stairs. When they came up he quickly flipped his cock away under cover of his long beige flasher mac and sat very still as if nothing was amiss. The two people sat down completely obvlious to the guy and his seedy deed. The bus then "pulled off" and he was gone.

It struck me that I had a brilliant view of what he was doing and it had clearly not crossed his mind that he was driving past flats. And the funny thing, he had a small cock...that I do remember.

We've Got That Guy Again....Over The Shoes

Last year, I was walking down Buchanan Street in my lunch hour, and I bumped into a friend who is a Police Officer. He was dressed casually so I assumed he was doing a bit of shopping on his day off.

As I was talking to him I heard a burst of static from under his jacket and he cocked his head to one side to listen to his radio. He explained he was working in plain clothes looking for shoplifters. After a minute or so another guy came up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and delivered the immortal line...

"We've got that guy in the shoe shop, wanking over the shoes again."

Now the pertinent word here is again. They've got him again. I did wonder how many times he'd done it before. And how do you go about doing that. Get a pair of shoes and head off to a wee corner at the back or do it openly in the middle of the shop? I've never considered it myself.

I won't name the shop but it's a very nice shoe shop. You can't buy shoes for a tenner in there. Anyway my pal ran off to arrest the strange man.

I'd love to be in Court for that.