The Uniform Is The Only Style

Recently I was travelling home from work on a Saturday lunchtime on the train about lunchtime.

When I got on the carriage was kind of half full. Opposite me at the other window was a couple sitting across the wee table from each other.

The man was in full Celtic regalia. Celtic shirt, dark green trackie trousers, white trainers. The girl had on white trousers with a silver belt, a thin white hoodie top with a silver design on the back. I could see the back as she was bent forward with her chest against the table edge and her arms hugged around her.

He started whistling some tune and after a very short time I noticed it repeating. It was either a very short song or that's the only bit he knew. I think the latter.

As well as whistling he was singing a line, again the same thing over and over.

"The uniform is the only style.....whistle whistle whistle...the uniform is the only style.....whistle whistle whistle.....". I've Googled this phrase and found nothing on it. I thought it must be some well known song but it seems not. It was a new composition.

He was slouched back in his seat while entertaining the troops with his right foot up on the seat opposite beside his girlfriend. Suddenly he sat up and said to her...

"Shut the fuck up, you fucking invited the cunt intae the hoose, you fucking invited Archie in, don't gie me any o' your shite, shut the fuck up".

He leant back again, and was silent.

I was scared to look across in case I caught his eye and he turned on me, as I had the feeling he may do that.

She was silent.

He then leant across the small table and put his arms around her.

She was crying. She was wiping her eyes. She leant back in her seat which exposed her stretched belly. She was pregnant. About 6 months by the looks of it.

Now that's how to properly court a girl in Glasgow. They probably were still courting. The baby's probably not his.

Pregnant? You Need Some Drugs

On the train on the way home on Saturday I had my head in a book and didn't look up when a couple sat opposite me. I waited for a few minutes. It was a sort of mix match of a couple at first glance.

He was a skanky mess. Dirty white trainers, dirty old black denims, dirty white/blue 'windcheater', dirty face, dirty dark blue baseball cap perched on his shaved head. His fingernails were dirty, caked with some black filth, his stained fingers rolling an old yellow pence cigarette lighter around and occasionally flicking it on.

She, on the other hand, at first glance looked amazing. At first glance...
She was wearing a long white and black dogtooth check coat, matching handbag, long dark hair. Her face was striking. Dark eyes. Amazingly cheekbones. Bloody huge cheekbones. She could have been a model.

They were having a quiet conversation between themselves. I tried but I couldn't hear. Then she leant over and spoke to me.

She mumbled and I leant forward and said "Sorry?"

"Is the next station Anniesland?" she mumbled a bit clearer. Her eyes were dead. Her eyelids drooping down, half closed. Her face was caked thick with makeup. She was completely off her face. It wasn't drink though.
I told her it was Anniesland, but thinking it was a bit late to be checking if you're on the right train.
As the train pulled in, they got up, and I saw for the first time that she was pregnant. The big coat had hidden it. How sick can you be?  Pregnant and getting off your face on drugs.

Gentleman's Guide to Giving Birth

A woman was leaving my office to pursue another career a couple of weeks ago. She was a very outgoing person of about 25 years old and well known for her ability to "speak out". Gobby, we called it.
At her leaving presentation we were regaled with stories of her drunkeness and even played on loudspeaker a 10 minute phone call that she'd made to the office when she was away for a day on a karaoke bus. She was pished out her face and singing various songs. We even heard a comment that she made when she couldn't see 'John' on the bus. "Is he back from the toilet yet? He's probably having a wank."
The one comment that will stay with me was when she described how it was to be pregnant as she had been twice and particularly the actual birth. She said it was "like being booted in the hole."  So now we know.