Laugh? I Nearly Pissed Myself

I was at a show in Glasgow a few months ago to see the comedian Rich Hall. It was in the Garage nightclub and like the comedy club they shut the bleedin' bar while the act was on.

I was only about 4 rows from the front and at one point I disappeared through the heavy curtain they had up to go to the bar and was amazed at my luck because of how empty it was. Very empty. Empty. The barman told me "bar's closed". Bugger. I had to walk back through the curtains and back to my seat. A lonely figure with my empty pint glass. At the interval my brother and I got a couple of pints each and some Bacardi Breezers for the women, as that's the only thing we could stuff into our trouser pockets.

Rich Hall was very good. So glad I never sat in the front row though. There was one woman who was there with an empty seat beside her and had her and her daughter's jackets piled on it. Rich asked who the empty seat was for as there had been nobody sitting in it after 30 minutes after the show had begun.

"It's for my husband"
"Well where the fuck is he, in the toilet?". Laughter.
"No, he's dead"

"He's dead?". Silence. Rich stood still, looking down at her with a slight look of what the fuck do I say now?
"Yes"
"And the seat?"
"I like to keep a space for him"

There was another unfortunate woman in the front row who had her life torn apart for any nugget of information that could be ridiculed, and it was. She had some trouble containing her laughter and was roaring louder than anyone else. After the barrage of abuse stopped she took her chance to have a break. she stood up and walked off towards the curtain, and spoke to a member of staff who directed her to the toilets.

The curtain itself hung about 6 inches off the floor and the light from the bar area caused a shiny area on the floor at the angle I was seeing it from.

As this woman walked off I was aware of something spattering on the wooden floor, and realised there was something dripping on the floor. Christ did I forget about the guy on stage. I stared.

As she was walking away from this person, all I could see was the liquid splattering on the floor. As she walked it followed her. I couldn't believe my fucking eyes.

As she walked it came in more of a rush so there was quite a pool created on the floor. Imagine if you will a half pint just emptied straight on the floor.

I looked around quickly and people in front of me seemed oblivious to this and even she seemed oblivious to the fact she was pissing all over the floor at the front of a 300 strong audience. She showed no signs of embarrassment or trying to disguise the fact.

She came back to her seat a few minutes later and walked right past the new lake on the floor, which remained there for the rest of the show and was even spread around during the interval as a couple of hundred people walked through it to the bar.