I was in Morrisons a few days ago and I saw a couple of guys walking around. The older one in front, and the younger walking behind with the trolley. To be honest, they looked like a couple of farmers.
The older guy had a sort of worn look about him, hair that hadn't been cut for some time, or combed at any time, sturdy shoes, heavy dark cord trousers, a check shirt under a dark/dirty waistcoat, and a padded coat/bodywarmer thing, and a ruddy complexion, oh, and a huge beer belly.
The younger one was a thinner version but in slightly more fashionable clothes, however still looking like a farmer...and he had a beenie hat pulled down over his blond locks. I know he was a blond due to his unshaven face. He was trailing behind and looking slightly pissed off.
It's not usual you see a father and son walking round that shop, one with a trolley.
Normally I wouldn't mention it if it wasn't for this line....
Son: "Dad, I'll give you a grand if in April you don't moan for a whole week". April?
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
Saturday, 19 January 2008
Glasgow Council Save Money!
I heard a very interesting story a few months ago from a guy who works for Glasgow City Council.
There are some offices in the city centre and they have their own off street parking. The managers who work in the offices see it as their birth right to use the parking bays for their own vehicles rather than park in the street like all the other staff and pay the parking charges every day.
Now, being a council operation, they have council vehicles which operate from that office, used by the staff that work there. The council vans are supposed to be parked in those parking bays when not in use, and why not indeed? If the council have their own off street parking in the city centre they should be using it to minimise outlays and reduce the cost to the customers. You would think.
Back to the managers. As far as they are concerned, there is free parking at their office and they are going to use it. So they do. Where do the vans go? Out on the street at parking meters. The parking meter tickets are then put through as expenses and no-one knows the difference.
Then someone thought it might be cheaper daily to park the vans in the NCP carpark nearby. Genius.
Bugger. The vans couldn't get into the NCP carpark because they have orange light bars on top which make them too high to get under the maximum height bar which hung over the entrance. Bugger indeed.
Then someone thought of an idea to get the vans into that carpark.
They spent a few thousand pounds, as I understand it, fitting all the vans with new light bars, newer and lower ones that could fit under the maximum height bar to get them into the NCP carpark.
Genius.
So, they spent thousands of pounds which in a roundabout way gets charged to us, changing their vehicles to save money on parking charges....so their managers get free parking.
One word. Wankers.
There are some offices in the city centre and they have their own off street parking. The managers who work in the offices see it as their birth right to use the parking bays for their own vehicles rather than park in the street like all the other staff and pay the parking charges every day.
Now, being a council operation, they have council vehicles which operate from that office, used by the staff that work there. The council vans are supposed to be parked in those parking bays when not in use, and why not indeed? If the council have their own off street parking in the city centre they should be using it to minimise outlays and reduce the cost to the customers. You would think.
Back to the managers. As far as they are concerned, there is free parking at their office and they are going to use it. So they do. Where do the vans go? Out on the street at parking meters. The parking meter tickets are then put through as expenses and no-one knows the difference.
Then someone thought it might be cheaper daily to park the vans in the NCP carpark nearby. Genius.
Bugger. The vans couldn't get into the NCP carpark because they have orange light bars on top which make them too high to get under the maximum height bar which hung over the entrance. Bugger indeed.
Then someone thought of an idea to get the vans into that carpark.
They spent a few thousand pounds, as I understand it, fitting all the vans with new light bars, newer and lower ones that could fit under the maximum height bar to get them into the NCP carpark.
Genius.
So, they spent thousands of pounds which in a roundabout way gets charged to us, changing their vehicles to save money on parking charges....so their managers get free parking.
One word. Wankers.
Friday, 11 January 2008
The Minister's Cat 2008
So it was New Year's Day and the moment arrived. We decided to play the Minister's Cat. I do enjoy it. My brother and I try to out do each other with exceptionally long and obscure words.
As the circle of people took a turn, it came to the aged uncle's turn, and he did not disappoint. He stared off into the distance and held his hands clasped over his yellow woollen v-neck sweater. Silence fell and we stared at him. Nothing. Then a faint "Emmm, oh, ah, umm, I cannae think of anything". He looked around the group with his slight grin, and appeared to be making no effort at all to think of any word.
Eventually he came up with something and we moved on.
Each time it came round to him, we got the same thing. People were prompting him with answers he could use, and he started coming up with answers that other people had already given and his response to that was "I thought I'd heard that before".
He did this so often that almost became a catchphrase. It was verging on the ridiculous, as people gave him the answers he was either refusing to use them or he didn't realise that someone was giving him an easy way out.
And as for the 'F' word, I had successfully persuaded my son that he could do well in the game if he prepared a list of words beforehand. So he never said 'fuck' which I was glad of.
As the circle of people took a turn, it came to the aged uncle's turn, and he did not disappoint. He stared off into the distance and held his hands clasped over his yellow woollen v-neck sweater. Silence fell and we stared at him. Nothing. Then a faint "Emmm, oh, ah, umm, I cannae think of anything". He looked around the group with his slight grin, and appeared to be making no effort at all to think of any word.
Eventually he came up with something and we moved on.
Each time it came round to him, we got the same thing. People were prompting him with answers he could use, and he started coming up with answers that other people had already given and his response to that was "I thought I'd heard that before".
He did this so often that almost became a catchphrase. It was verging on the ridiculous, as people gave him the answers he was either refusing to use them or he didn't realise that someone was giving him an easy way out.
And as for the 'F' word, I had successfully persuaded my son that he could do well in the game if he prepared a list of words beforehand. So he never said 'fuck' which I was glad of.
Thursday, 10 January 2008
Hogmanay 2007
Well, it went off without a hitch. I didn't fall over. I was at a friend's house along the road with his family, his sister's family and his parents turned up after midnight. It's fair to say I did well. I didn't fall over, but also fair to say I don't remember getting home.
I had my kilt on, and although there was no dancing in the kitchen this year I do think the kilt puts me in a different mood rather than just wearing a pair of trousers.
The evidence is that a couple of months ago, my brother was over at mine for a wee bevvy with his fiance and I was trying to persuade him that he should try a kilt for his impending wedding.
"There's no fucking chance" I think were his words.
So I gave him some more alcohol and said he could try mine on if he wanted. Trousers rolled up, kilt on, sporran on, jacket on. Tell him he looks lovely and the next minute he's saying "I'm, wearing a kilt at my wedding". That's the gemme.
I had my kilt on, and although there was no dancing in the kitchen this year I do think the kilt puts me in a different mood rather than just wearing a pair of trousers.
The evidence is that a couple of months ago, my brother was over at mine for a wee bevvy with his fiance and I was trying to persuade him that he should try a kilt for his impending wedding.
"There's no fucking chance" I think were his words.
So I gave him some more alcohol and said he could try mine on if he wanted. Trousers rolled up, kilt on, sporran on, jacket on. Tell him he looks lovely and the next minute he's saying "I'm, wearing a kilt at my wedding". That's the gemme.
Anyway, back to the kitchen. The same girl was there this year and because all the other kids are boys, she stayed downstairs with the adults. So, I'm in the kitchen and I see her mobile phone is on charge, and I say, "That's a nice phone, I was looking at that one myself".
She says "What phone have you got?" I tell her. She purses her lips and they turn down at the corners. Unimpressed.
She says "Why don't you get one then?" I say "I was going to wait a while before I buy it, I'm not sure".
And then she comes out with a gem of wisdom, and honesty that you can't disagree with...
"You mean, you're going to wait til it's cheap then?"
"Yes".
Bloody kids.
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