I See A Different Thing...

When I was getting married in '98, there was alot to do, which my wife did. I drove and said 'Yes'...alot. I did get chucked out a wedding shop (sort of). My wife was trying on shoes to go with her dress and I was there on a consultation basis and unfortunately I ventured too far into an area where brides-to-be might be coming out - with their dresses on. Apparently this encroachment totally fucked them up and some wee lassie politely told me to leave. I explained why I was there and she still said 'leave'.

In one other shop the girls seemed totally perplexed that her husband was sitting there helping her choose her wedding dress. The reason why is that I had this nightmare of turning round on the day and thinking 'she looks crap', so I thought I'd cover it and help her choose the dress. We have a similar taste anyway and we were both happy with the choice. And it turned out well anyway, cos on the day, I had no memory at all of what the dress looked liked til she walked down the aisle in the castle.

Anyway, one day we were trying to choose the band and been told they were playing at a wedding reception at a hotel in Stepps, north east of Glasgow. A wee drive. We made the effort and went there and parked up and headed into the hotel and ask at the desk where the wedding reception was, and were pointed in the direction of it.

There were double doors and I pushed them open. Weird. Very weird.

There was a man on his knees on the floor, with a snare drum between his knees. And other various 'people' around him battering at things, not all instruments. The future wife and I stared at each other and retreated to discuss...... "Fuckin hell, what the fuck is that" "I know" "Fuckin hell" "I know".

We looked back in. It hadn't gotten any better. There was some weird shit going on with the band and the guests. Some strange dancing indeed. We drove away (see previous post for near potential murder).

A couple of days later the band guy phoned me and asked me if we'd been. Yes, I said slowly. He asked me what I thought. I said slowly and carefully I wasn't sure if it was our thing. He wasn't sure what I meant, I asked for a ceilidh band? Yes. What was the problem? So I mentioned the man on his knees battering the drum and the fact that he had long hair and wasn't wearing a kilt, but more of a leather trousers outfit.

"That wasn't us.......we were in the suite at the back of the hotel". Fuck.

Hogmanay 2007

Well, it went off without a hitch. I didn't fall over. I was at a friend's house along the road with his family, his sister's family and his parents turned up after midnight. It's fair to say I did well. I didn't fall over, but also fair to say I don't remember getting home.

I had my kilt on, and although there was no dancing in the kitchen this year I do think the kilt puts me in a different mood rather than just wearing a pair of trousers.

The evidence is that a couple of months ago, my brother was over at mine for a wee bevvy with his fiance and I was trying to persuade him that he should try a kilt for his impending wedding.

"There's no fucking chance" I think were his words.

So I gave him some more alcohol and said he could try mine on if he wanted. Trousers rolled up, kilt on, sporran on, jacket on. Tell him he looks lovely and the next minute he's saying "I'm, wearing a kilt at my wedding". That's the gemme.

Anyway, back to the kitchen. The same girl was there this year and because all the other kids are boys, she stayed downstairs with the adults. So, I'm in the kitchen and I see her mobile phone is on charge, and I say, "That's a nice phone, I was looking at that one myself".

She says "What phone have you got?" I tell her. She purses her lips and they turn down at the corners. Unimpressed.

She says "Why don't you get one then?" I say "I was going to wait a while before I buy it, I'm not sure".

And then she comes out with a gem of wisdom, and honesty that you can't disagree with...

"You mean, you're going to wait til it's cheap then?"

"Yes".

Bloody kids.

Cheerleading Moves In A Kilt

Last year at Hogmanay, we went to a friend's house along the road. There was three couples and the kids. I had my kilt on and plenty of wine.

It was a great night. So great in fact, at one point I was seen in the kitchen with a ten year old girl, dancing and doing cheerleading moves wildly with my kilt flailing around me. We're going to the same house again this year and the same people are coming so there's a good chance I'll be doing that again.