Pregnant? You Need Some Drugs

On the train on the way home on Saturday I had my head in a book and didn't look up when a couple sat opposite me. I waited for a few minutes. It was a sort of mix match of a couple at first glance.

He was a skanky mess. Dirty white trainers, dirty old black denims, dirty white/blue 'windcheater', dirty face, dirty dark blue baseball cap perched on his shaved head. His fingernails were dirty, caked with some black filth, his stained fingers rolling an old yellow pence cigarette lighter around and occasionally flicking it on.

She, on the other hand, at first glance looked amazing. At first glance...
She was wearing a long white and black dogtooth check coat, matching handbag, long dark hair. Her face was striking. Dark eyes. Amazingly cheekbones. Bloody huge cheekbones. She could have been a model.

They were having a quiet conversation between themselves. I tried but I couldn't hear. Then she leant over and spoke to me.

She mumbled and I leant forward and said "Sorry?"

"Is the next station Anniesland?" she mumbled a bit clearer. Her eyes were dead. Her eyelids drooping down, half closed. Her face was caked thick with makeup. She was completely off her face. It wasn't drink though.
I told her it was Anniesland, but thinking it was a bit late to be checking if you're on the right train.
As the train pulled in, they got up, and I saw for the first time that she was pregnant. The big coat had hidden it. How sick can you be?  Pregnant and getting off your face on drugs.

It's Been A Dry Week

It's been a poor week for people doing weird things and this was really the most exciting or tedious actually, thing that happened to me.

This morning I was on the train into Glasgow and there was a young guy sitting opposite me. The train was busy with plenty of people standing.

I heard some woman saying "Excuse me, excuse me," and looked round to see her pushing her way through the crowd to stand beside me. Her and the guy opposite me swapped 'hellos'.

"Whit ye up tae?" he said.

"I'm just going to work," she said nodding with pursed lips as if resigned to her day.

"Aye?"

"Yeah," she said with pursed lips.

"White ye been up tae?"

"Nothing much, just working away, you know," she said nodding with pursed lips as if resigned to the fact her life is crap.

"Goat plans fir the weekend?"

"Nothing much" she said, still nodding with pursed lips.

She'd pushed her way through the friggin crowd to talk to this guy, started a conversation and then this is the pish she comes up with.

At least make it up for chrissake to make it sound a bit more interesting. After all, everyone within earshot was listening in.

If I ever meet anyone on the train, I say I'm just back from New York or Rome or some shite like that. Some people have no clue.

Beef Jerky 2

Why does this happen to me?

Today at 5pm I was walking out of my office when I passed a car parked outside a coffee shop at the junction of St Vincent Street and Renfield Street. It was a silver saloon. There was a man sitting in the driver's seat looking around. He was balding and wearing glasses.

As I passed the door I looked in and saw he had a black fleece draped right over his lap.

It was bumping up and down.

Oh yes.....he was. I don't need to say it do I?  Well, just to be clear. He was having a wank in a car parked on a city centre street at rush hour.

I couldn't believe it. I walked on, stopped and looked round, then walked on again. at the next junction my curiosity took over and I decided I had to make sure I had seen what I thought I had. I walked back, past the car and definitely saw it again. I crossed over the road directly in front of him and looked over. He saw me looking. I just walked off. I'd seen enough.

Gentleman's Guide to Giving Birth

A woman was leaving my office to pursue another career a couple of weeks ago. She was a very outgoing person of about 25 years old and well known for her ability to "speak out". Gobby, we called it.
At her leaving presentation we were regaled with stories of her drunkeness and even played on loudspeaker a 10 minute phone call that she'd made to the office when she was away for a day on a karaoke bus. She was pished out her face and singing various songs. We even heard a comment that she made when she couldn't see 'John' on the bus. "Is he back from the toilet yet? He's probably having a wank."
The one comment that will stay with me was when she described how it was to be pregnant as she had been twice and particularly the actual birth. She said it was "like being booted in the hole."  So now we know.

It Ain't Happening Bro'

Today on Union Street, I was standing at the lights waiting to cross and there was a car stopped waiting to go.

The two guys in the car had the windows open with the hip hop music blasting out, the heavy bass bouncing round the street.

They both had one arm dangling out the window, their wrists hanging limply, held down by the enormous silver bracelets. Their hair was shaved to the bone, except for the top which was gelled forward giving a wee fringe straight across.

They were slouched so low in their seats and looked they must have had trouble seeing over the dashboard.

It would have been cool except for the fact it was two white guys in a Vauxhall Vectra.