Chinese Whispers

I was walking down Union Street the other day when a woman with long black hair pushing a child in a buggy crossed in front of me at a corner. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her turn quickly and say what sounded like "coo mee, ca uh teh mee whay da...." (trans; "Excuse me, my good man, can you perchance tell me where the....")

I turned to assist her I noticed with acute embarrassment that she was Chinese and was in fact talking in Chinese to her Chinese kid and not looking at me at all. She had just turned to go the same way as me and I pretended to look in a shop window as she walked past me.

Two Bob For The Phone, Mate?

Yesterday I was walking to work on Union Street, and two neds in white track suits come out of a phone box asking if I can tap them two bob for the phone. I haven't heard that in years.

I replied with a look of concern "Did some wee bastard steal your mobiles you couple of fannies?".

Actually I said "No, I only carry notes on me".

That's not true either. I just said "No, sorry". Why the hell did I apologise?. It's the polite part of me, pushed along by the part of me that doesn't want to get stabbed.

Moan, Let’s Go Doon The Joab Centre

I was walking past the new job centre on Union Street and hanging out the door were some neds throwing plastic bottles at some other neds….behind me. The bottles were narrowly missing me and other passers by. I did think of passing comment but they looked a bit mental and there were more of them than me, frankly.

I looked in the window, through the rain of bottles and saw white polyester tracksuits and plenty of Burberry scarves and even more precariously perched caps. Their scarves were bunching up over the collars of their Helly Hansen waterproof jackets. It was like a bloody ned convention.

How sad when you see two teenagers walking through a major city centre wearing matching Helly Hansen jackets, red/blue with the little strip of yellow on the back. Who the fuck started that trend? I sometimes want to just say to them;

"Do you realise how fucking stupid you look?"

But alas, I may receive a knifing for my troubles. I’d rather live another day and enjoy looking at those sad asswipes.