It Should Only Happen To A Cleaner

A few months ago we moved to a new office and therefore the office cleaners changed. Before they used to come round after 5pm and do their stuff, but now they there just after 9am, cleaning, dusting, hoovering and cleaning the toilets.

Just like the old office the cleaner has been seen using the same cloth to dust the tops of cabinets that she'll use to then clean your phone and your keyboard. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Another thing is the bins. They collect the bins about 9.30am each day and take away the paper for recycling and the food waste, which I'm sure all goes to the same place eventually. So if you eat a banana at 10am, it'll be stinking by the next morning, and if you eat one on a Friday morning, the bin sits and stews over the weekend to provide a ripe aroma for Monday.

A favourite of mine is when the cleaners do the toilets. The old office had a wee old man who was a bit manky looking and all the women thought he was disgusting. And rightly so. He smelled, he looked dirty, he was unshaven, he had little or no teeth and those he did have weren't any kind of shade of white that I knew. No woman would go near the toilets if he was in as they hated the thought of him walking in.

This is double standards surely. I was in the toilet once standing at the urinal and a female cleaner walked in and I expected her to walk out but she started mopping the floor along at the cubicles and then the floor behind me...while I was still pissing. She was no pretty thing either. That might have made it bearable. Zipped up. Washed hands. She was still there.

It even happened to me in a nightclub once. I walked in and there were three girls talking to a drunk guy leaning up against the wall. Nothing could have stopped me taking a piss by that point anyway.

A few months ago, the new young female cleaner who I believe was Polish was working on our floor. I had been in the toilets and heard one of my unidentified colleagues groaning, straining, splashing and causing the most almighty fucking smell. Christ it was rotten.

I was finished before him and was leaving the toilets, just as the female cleaner was walking in. I excused myself and walked past her and almost ran back to my desk to take a seat for the show.

It took about seven seconds until the toilet door was yanked open and the young blonde walked out with her hand over her mouth.

Aaaahh. What satisfaction. That'll teach her. She should have knocked first.

At least he was wasn't having a wank.