If Noah Had Been This Pissed...

Yesterday we took the kids out for a little treat and went to an indoor softplay area for kids. It's big inside and has a cafe area for the adults to sit and watch other kids be nasty to their own from a distance. My children have come back over to me sometimes saying that some other child has stuck the finger up at them or even told them to fuck off. Nice.

We sat down. And I watched.

The place is called Cheeky Charlies and I can recommend it. It's a decent price for entry and the food supplied is decent and not expensive, I sent my boy up with a £5 note for a bottle of water, and I followed him, mainly to make sure he got the right change, which was just as well, as after he got what he asked for and handed over the £5 note......he walked away. I said.."Whoa, whoa, whoa, money son, money son, your money, your money....my money".

My heart fell when I saw he'd bought two bottles of Volvic. Crap!, I thought that's going to skin me about three quid.

She said, "That's three eighty change". What, are you crazy?? You're not ripping me off?? I cheked my change to make sure she hadn't charged me three eighty. But sixty pence for each bottle, and it was chilled as well. What more can you do?

Time passed and I watched my fellow parents doing what they do. Some were talking at their husbands while they read the paper, some women chatted with their friends while supping the coffee.

After a little while, the inevitable happened, some kid started screaming. Excellent!

It became clear quickly that it was the little overweight four year old girl in pink. Among the wails I could hear her screaming some words, and to this moment I cannot say definitely what it was and you will understand why, but after several times hearing it, it sounded like she was saying...

"Granny Noah, Granny Noah. Wher ur ye?"

After a short period the kid started wandering around. It was blatantly clear very quickly that there was no adult there that could claim association. It took about two minutes, while the screaming increased until a woman came in from outside, with a fag between her lips. She retreated for a moment to chuck the cigarette out the door.

As she came back in I was watching her. It was obvious straight away that she either drunk or on something else. She was swaying around as she made her way back into the children's area and her speech was slurred.

Another woman appeared from outside as well, and seemed to be this woman's friend, but she was quite sober. 'Granny Noah' came in and sat down with the other woman and the two children with them joined them at the table for some chips and juice. A good healthy combo. The other child was only about two years old. Granny Noah was gripping the arms of the chair like she was about to fall off but after only a minute or so she disappeared outside again. The sober woman took charge in feeding them. Nothing much happened and I began to wonder if had imagined her being drunk.

Outside as I crossed the carpark back towards the place, having been into the supermarket, I crossed paths with Granny Noah. She had the youngest kid in a pushchair, and as we came to pass each other, she stepped back and said for me to pass.

Nay, I lie. She stumbled back two steps and slurred at me "Oan ye go pal, nae bor, oan yees go" nodding loosely to confirm I could pass. I was right after all. She was steaming. I said out loud as I walked past "Fuck me.... fuck me". I almost willed her to hear me and ask what my problem was.

I wondered as I walked away. 'Granny Noah'. Where was the kid's mother? Did the mother know the kids were out with their drunk granny? And how ironic, Noah looking after two.

But if the first Noah had been this pissed, we'd all have been screwed.