I Saw Him Coming

I'll say now, I'd had this post on draft for some months. I was never sure whether I wanted to share it, it's rather personal, it could be potentially bad news health wise, but on the other hand I tend to view most things from an angle that makes me think about human behaviour and how absurd some situations are it you deconstruct them in a certain way. Ooooh philosophical.

A hospital date has been set for next week, for a wee procedure and I wasn't sure whether to talk about it or not, but after a few days deliberation and I have to admit...a bottle of wine, I'm going to tell you all about it. It's 1.30am as I type this, and I'm feeling confident. I'll wake up in five hours, and think "Shit, did I really write that?"

I had to go the doctor recently. A testicle problem and a problem with peeing. I could cover it with “Gentleman’s Troubles”, but I'll explain by saying a strange pain in each nut and a slight need to go visit the toilet ten minutes after I've just been.

When I decided to go to the doctor a few months ago I knew in advance that my prostate would need to be checked and I knew what that involved. I didn't actually know what my prostate did (a high percentage of men don't) so I Googled it. I Google everything.

I prepared myself...how to say this nicely..umm....I'm aware that my brother & his future wife read this blog sometimes so I almost feel like I should watch what I say, but they are both very 'open' to some detail and some language, so I'll say...I cleaned out my ass...mwuaaaaaaaoooooaaaaa. Oh fuck. eeewwwww. Well someone's got to do it, and it's my own ass. I assure you it's better that I did it, than I saw the doctor's gloved finger in the air covered in crap.

OK, we're past that. Fuckin' eeewww.

My appointment was a 9am one, to get into work soon after, and as I was standing at the reception desk a young man came through from the back with an anorak and a wee rucksack on and walked past me to one of the rooms.

I've never waited so long for my name to be called.

How amused I was when I walked in and sitting beside my normal doctor was a young, nervous looking student doctor. The guy that had just walked past me in reception. My doctor explained he was there for training and asked me if I minded if he sat in. I'm fairly easygoing in certain situations (some not) so I said "Not at all". I did laugh to myself as I already knew what this young doctor was about to witness in his first appointment of the day and so soon after his breakfast.

I explained about my Gentleman’s Troubles and he asked me to pop up on the table, and slide my trousers down. Now, as any man will know the penis comes in many many sizes, and during any given day your own takes on several different sizes itself at any time it so desires, it really does have a mind of it's own. That may sound like a myth, but when you're half naked in front of a stranger you realise it's very true.

I was hoping that when I wheeched the tweeds down my cock would have been a suitably impressive size. It was not to be. It wasn’t a cold day, but my dick had decided to shrink to about half the size it would normally be at, while “at rest”. When I was lying there I looked down to check what size it was an was mildly embarrassed. Fuck it, I thought, you could at least tried to have had an erection. I'm not going to go into sizes here, as my sister in law may see this (Hi Kathy), but suffice it to say, it is normally fucking huge (är-tĭs'tĭk...lahy-suhns).

After a quick feel of my testicles, and very gently I must say, my doctor explained that he needed to have a check up my back passage, and that I should lie on my side with my knees up to chest. I haven’t felt quite as exposed for a long time. In fact, never.

I heard him squeeze on the rubber glove and the slap as he pinged it into place on his wrist. I then heard a squirt noise and a cold sensation on my rear entry point. He’d only fucking lubed me up. Be gentle I thought as I squeezed my eyes shut.

The probing was not as bad as I thought, I have to say. Although it took a turn for the worse as his hand decided to take a turn....in me. Ninety degrees to the right. The finger going straight in wasn’t too bad but when he started turning it around it felt slightly uncomfortable. I heard a faint plop as the sixty year old man withdrew from my ass and it was running through my mind to look over my shoulder and ask the young doctor if he wanted a turn. It would've been my way of diffusing a 'slightly' awkward situation with humour.

If this wasn’t weird enough, my doctor then got a wad of tissue and with one hand lifted my left cheek and started to wipe the lube off my ass. How thoughtful I thought as I lay there thinking 'Can this get any more embarrassing?'.

He told me he thought I had an enlarged prostate and he'd send me for more tests which I will cover soon.

And you know the funny thing, some months before I'd been at the doctors about something else and thought about raising this but chickened out at the last minute. And thinking back now, maybe I should have just told the temporary doctor then who was a rather saucy looking young lady that time. Nothing against her sticking her finger up my ass..... normally that's so difficult to get.

I have read up on the prostate thing and the thing you see the most is 'cancer'. I have seen a treatment for an enlarged prostate where they insert a thing up your penis and proceed to chip away at the enlarged prostate gland basically with a hammer. Is it just me? Is there not some better way?

The cancer thing scares me a little, but I read that one in three men will get cancer at some point in there lives, and I know that my one of my brother's had testicular cancer a few years ago and one of them removed so I guess that rules me out of the cancer market (a layman's take on the law of probabilities). When he called me to tell me, he told me after it was all over.

I got a phone call and he said 'I just wanted to let you know I'm out the hospital'. It's maybe the best way as they're talking to you so they're alive. He said he'd just been in to have a testicle removed after they found a cancerous lump. Like I say, I'm glad I found out after.

Anyway I'm sure I haven't got cancer. I give my balls a good battering every few days and they seem fine to me.