Can't Busk For Shit

On Argyle Street today, outside Woolworths, I passed a guy of Eastern European origin sitting on the pavement, strumming a guitar and singing away. His plastic tupperware tub had a few coins in it.

From any kind of distance you couldn't hear a distinguishable tune or any of his words, and as I passed right by him, I realised his singing was out of tune and he couldn't play that guitar for shit. What a con.

Pensioners....Fight, Fight, Fight !!

I was in Sainsburys in Partick yesterday getting a lottery ticket, and the queue only had five people in front of me. It still took over twenty minutes for me to get to the front. The guy was a bit inexperienced in the working of the machine but the machine was playing up as well.

The man in front of me was about 60 years old and impeccably dressed. He had a load of tickets and the machine wasn’t reading them so the guy behind the desk had to go over each ticket and score through every single number again. It was going slow and I was getting a bit pissed off, but the old woman behind me was a bit more pissed off. She had on one of those full length see through rain coats, showing off her cheap two piece tweed/polyester number.

“Aw for chrissakes, this is taking pure ages, can they no get a boy who knows whit he’s daein?  It‘s nearly hawf seven, the lottery will be done in a few minutes, gonnae hurry up?”

I thought she was being a bit hard on the guy behind the counter, but I didn’t tell her this of course. I checked. It was only 7.20pm. Ten minutes to go.

“Aw for chrissakes, Jesus!  Could you no huv come doon here earlier to get yer lottery?"

I realised then that she wasn’t spouting off at the boy but at the old guy in front of me. It was after this comment, he exploded.

"Well, it’s not my fault the machine’s not working and the boy can’t do his job, I’ve been waiting twenty minutes here too!!” He almost shouted pointing his finger at her.

I was in between them thinking 'this is fucking brilliant, I hope they start fighting.' Then the old guy started going off on one at the boy.

“What are you doing? I hope you’re not putting those through twice. This is taking ages.”And the old dear behind me started again on the old guy.

“You should huv come doon earlier wi’ all them tickets you’ve got.”

I felt like turning to her and explaining in a loud voice that maybe it would have been a fucking good idea if she had come down earlier as well.  Instead, I held my tongue.

I just wish it had escalated to a full on fight between the two pensioners. I would have cheered them on.

Pimp My Ride

I have seen two cars very recently which have been pimped to excess, and pimped badly.

The first was a red Skoda Felicia, P reg. Driving behind it I saw that the back of the car was awash with stickers including “0-100 in 15 mins”. There was also reflective strips in various places, 12 of them, a “Scotland” badge in case I didn’t know what country I was in, an extra “Scotland” full size number plate under his own standard plate, with just the word “Scotland” on it, rear window shades in case the Scottish heat becomes unbearable, and many soft toys on the parcel shelf and I could see them through on the dashboard as well and a dangling Crazy Frog.

I drove past him just to see what kind of person would own such a vehicle and saw an old git with huge shades behind the wheel. On the dashboard he had a mini fan. Does the cold air in the car not work (open a window?), and in my rear view mirror I saw 4 extra headlights at front, “rally style.”

The second was a white Nova which was obviously a woman’s car, and a woman in love with Tweety Pie. The outside of the car was adorned with up to 10 stickers on each side and on the bonnet, of Tweety Pie. There was also numerous soft toys inside the car, all of Tweety Pie.

Funny thing is, having driven past it a few times in the last few weeks, I then noticed another white Nova parked beside it. Over a matter of a couple of weeks, in the street, the old car was literally stripped down to the shell, until one day it disappeared and the new white Nova is now a reincarnation of the first…..the same stickers and same soft toys all over it.

There should be some sort of law against this activity.

Electric Buggy Gone Bad

Some years ago and on the same stretch of street I saw an old guy in an electric buggy. He'd made it halfway up the kerb and one of his back wheels had come off.

I didn't see it happen….unfortunately.

Aside from being a bit squint from being half up the kerb, he was tilted back at quite an angle with his wheel missing too. Precariously so. He looked like he was holding on for dear life. There was someone helping him and making a call for him on their mobile, which meant that I could steer clear of him. Who do you call in that situation?

Electric Buggy Out Of Control?

I was walking down from the top of Buchanan Street a few days ago and saw a woman in an electric buggy cross over towards me and head down hill as well. Suddenly I heard a distinct whining noise as the engine revved and she shot past me, at some speed.

My first thought was that she was out of control and I watched (nothing else) her fly down the hill waiting to see if I was right or not. I was on the verge of running after her, alas, she suddenly and very quickly she slowed to go down the kerb.

Can you imagine if I had chased after her and grabbed hold of the back of the buggy? Now that would have been plenty embarrassing.

Clicking Man

I was walking on Gordon Street in Glasgow when a man walked past me and stopped dead in the street and clicked his fingers in the air. I thought he was indicating to a child to hold on, and I slyly looked over my shoulder and amongst the crowd saw no-one with this guy. I stopped and looked back at him and he walked on and stopped about 10 metres ahead and clicked his fingers in the air, paused for 1 or 2 seconds and walked on again.

I followed him. I followed him for nearly 4 blocks.

He survived a whole block without stopping and crossed Buchanan Street into Royal Exchange Square, then he slowed, for a few paces and stopped...and clicked. A crowd of people had the kind of looks on their faces that I had moments before. He started off again, and about 30 metres on did it again, before disappearing into a book shop, where I left him to it. He was in his late 30s, dressed completely normally, short dark blue jacket and dark blue cords.

Everyone's got a "thing" but his is weird and he does it in the street.

Online Shopping At Work Can Be Dangerous

The resident IT guy in our office is a friendly bloke with a good sense of humour. He needed it when he advertised the fact that he was shopping for sex toys online while at work.

He had sent out an email to explain a system problem, and included a screen shot of his own PC’s screen to show us the actual error message. If you look at your own screen now, you’ll see the tabs along the bottom, showing the various windows you have open. Some eagle eyed person noticed that one of the tabs he had visible was one mentioning some kind of vibrator name. I wish I could recall which.

Someone emailed him and then he fired out another quick email to explain to everyone that he was actually shopping for a Secret Santa present. It was just before Xmas. Lucky.

Aw Whit Man

I was standing in Game in Braehead Shopping Centre a few hours ago, looking at some PSP games, when two young likely lads sidled up beside me. I say “likely lads”….I mean neds.

One of them picked up a game, and this conversation happened:-

Ned 1 “Aw whit man” (hands game to his mate)
Ned 2 “Aw whit man” (hands it back to his mate)
Ned 1 “Aw whit man” he says staring at the game and grinning
Ned 2 “Aw whit man” he says leaning over and also looking at the game .

That was it.

I was so tempted to get my 8 year old son to say it in earshot of them, but after considering it for a few seconds more, thought better of it, for fear I may have assaulted, head butted, banjoed, knifed or head stamped (happened before and I didn’t like it).

Probably best I didn’t.

I could have taken them though. Both of them. Couple of fannies.