All Five Wore Tracksuits

I picked up a free paper from the stairwell of my brother's flats in Partick recently, and I can't remember if it was the Glaswegian or not. Usually in these local papers they have little 'news' snippets, strategically placed around the pages to draw your eye to the less interesting parts of the paper. The snippets of news are normally reports of the various crimes that have been committed. There's alot of them.

This week must have been particularly busy as a whole third of a page was dedicated to the various assaults that had taken place at the weekend. I shall repeat them here, for they amuse me a little.

"Gang fighting. 17 year old boy arrested on Dumbarton Road at 1.50am on Friday. The teenager detained was wielding a large piece of wood above his head and had bloodstains on his clothes. When officers tried to arrest him he became violent".

I like to imagine that as the Police closed in, he shouted "c'mon ya bunch of fannies". Here's hoping.

Next up. "A man with two knives hidden in the waistband of his trousers was arrested on the same evening in Apsley Street. As police approached they noticed a black handle sticking out. They found it was a large kitchen knife. The second knife was smaller. The paper quoted the Police "As he was unable to provide an explanation for having the weapons, he was detained".

Really? So if he'd been able to come up with a plausible reason, he'd have been let go? What is the world coming to when the Police will let a man go who has two knives down his trousers just because he told them he was going to help the man in Chapati 3 to carve a particularly large kebab.

And this is the gem.

"Police were hunting five men who attacked and hospitalised a 39 year old man in Partick in mid July".

"The victim was attacked in Fordyce Street just after midnight. He was punched and kicked repeatedly before being knocked unconscious, suffering head injuries. Police say his attackers were white, 16-20 years old and all five wore tracksuits". A direct quote from the Police.

"All five wore tracksuits". That's all you need to know.

Impressing The Locals

I had stopped off in Partick on my way home having left work an hour early and strolled up and down Dumbarton Road for a while before I settled upon the Clyde Valley. This was before I used to frequent it with my brother in recent times. It was about 5 years ago.

It was just after 4pm on a weekday and it was relatively busy. I drew a few looks as I walked in. I don't think it's a normal watering hole for men in suits. I ordered a pint and stayed at the bar, standing with my back against it to view the customers. I felt good standing there in my suit. Smart, tidy. I felt quite cool.

The bar area was busy and there was little space. I soon attracted the drunken attentions of two women standing next to me. These weren't nubile blondes. Remember it was half four on a weekday in Partick. Any nubile blondes are either at home or walking along Dumbarton Road with their prams, possibly standing in groups with a few neds standing close by (the fathers?) and giving renditions of their social loves to the passing public ie. "Haw yous.." "Ah says tae him, and he says tae me..." "Ya cunt..." Ya fanny..." etc etc etc.

I think any nubility in this pair vanished several decades ago, if it was ever there.

"Aright pal?"
"Hello" I said nodding courteously to acknowledge their presence...in my presence, sort of thing.

I then directed my eyes back to the high television screen hoping to hell they wouldn't talk to me again.

"Yer lookin' awfy smart rer in yer suit 'n that"
"Uh, thanks...thank you" nodding courteously again.
"Very attractive"
"Oh..uh, thanks" Please fuck right off I thought.
"Aye, yer lookin' awfy smart rer in yer suit 'n that. That's a nice tie you've goat oan"

I thought I was about to get fucking mugged and searched about quickly for the group of accomplices to start furtively looking around and move in on me. Nothing though.

"Thanks very much." I said, still nervous.

"D'yd dae?"
"What?" I said
"D'yd dae?" one said nodding as if to emphasise the question.
"Sorry , what?"
"Whit dae ye dae?". She said louder in that whiny Glasgow voice. It wasn't her accent that I couldn't catch as I like to think I can understand most of the Glesca vernacular. It's just that she was mumbling like a drunken hobo.

"Oh right!. What's my job?" Why the fuck didn't you just say that?
"Aye"
It's not important what I do, or what I told them, but I made up some shite to make myself sound more interesting, and they appeared impressed.

I'd had most of my pint and I was weighing up my options of ordering another and drinking it fairly rapidly and having to visit the bog before I left, and possibly losing the suit and the wallet in the process or just finish up and leave.

One of the women moved closer to me, about as close as she could get without actual fornication taking place.

Suddenly she reached out to the front of my jacket, grabbed my tie, and I thought Christ, this is it, I'm getting mugged, watch for others coming in, watch for the hand going to the wallet, don't let them get my watch, watch my pockets.....wallet, wallet, wallet!!

She said...

" 'Next'....silk....that's a nice tie"
"Thanks", heavy breathing. Watching her grubby smoke stained calloused hand stroking my silk tie. I could just imagine the rough skin ripping the hell out of the silk and grimaced at the thought but kept watching for any sign of movement towards my inside pocket.

To this day I still thank God she never pulled open my jacket to look at the label there.

George from Asda. That would have killed it right there.